In preparation for the psychology-focused lecture I am planning for next week, I am digging into research on narcissism and narcissistic personalities (citations below and on my website; I have not included all specific citations but know that the information I have presented here specific to narcissism must be attributed to these sources with my gratitude to these specialists for their texts). I have found a few good sources that have caused many things to come into focus. First, who it is that we are really dealing with when we find ourselves in an abusive HOA. Second, how we can use that knowledge to defend ourselves against these toxic people and go on the offensive to overcome them.
I have harvested far more quotes than I will ever be able to use in the book I am currently drafting. It seems that on every page I read of my sources that there is something that I can directly tie to abusive personalities in HOAs. Yet it all seems to boil down to one key thing to know about people who feel that it’s okay to behave as they do: a deep-seated inferiority complex and ego-driven insecurity which is compensated for by obtaining and maintaining control over others at all costs.
The narcissist may not even be aware of this trait in their behavior at all. In fact, they will deny it and call you the narcissist for being so selfish and mean as to say that about them, turning them into the victim and making you question what you know about what is real (aka “gaslighting,” which is a common weapon of the narcissist). They are manipulative, hypocritical, and importantly—convincing. They take advantage of people’s trust and/or commitment to the relationship (be it personal, professional, or otherwise) to subordinate them to keep the relationship going. That relationship is based on the dominance of the narcissist and is never a true relationship of mutual respect and equality. When a forced authoritative hierarchy is already present and legally enforced as in the HOA system, it is a dream come true for the narcissist because all they have to do is occupy that space and voilá, instant dictatorship. They don’t even have to earn it or lure you into or maintain a relationship. Easy peasy.
It should be clarified that there are fine lines between narcissism and diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are also differences between narcissists and assHOAles (or just plain assholes if not in the HOA realm). And further, there is a difference between a narcissist and a psychopath; although, the more malignant version of narcissism can tend towards psychopathy on the continuum. I am not a trained psychologist myself, though I have studied its theories and philosophies for some time. My professional focus, rhetoric, which is the art and the mechanisms of persuasion and sometimes manipulation, is rooted firmly in human psychology, and I am fascinated in how it is used and abused through history.
So, though HOAs are quite modern (only created in the past century) and unique to America (though it is spreading to other countries and has existed in other forms) this all falls into yet another manifestation of how everyday people who are convinced to “buy in” to a social system (whether benevolent or not at its inception), can then be manipulated easily, abused, and flat-out brainwashed when control of that system falls into malevolent hands—and because of the power these positions contain, they always fall into bad hands.
Those bad hands aren't always a narcissist, but positions of authority in which this personality can manipulate, create, and rewrite the rules while using their position to overcome and eradicate any protest, is too much to resist for a narcissist. In HOA Hell, not every bad board member is a narcissist, nor is everyone who serves on a board. There are those who do truly wish to do good, to help, and to be a positive leader in the social group of the neighborhood. A bad board member might not necessarily be a narcissist. They can just be a garden variety assHOAle, jerk, or maybe someone who doesn’t understand how to take part in a leadership position within what is supposed to be a democracy.
Though it would be impossible to determine since narcissists will vehemently deny what they are, it would be interesting to know the percentage of narcissists (those personality traits which fall in the continuum or who have a diagnosable disorder) who serve on HOA boards. I have a feeling it would be a rather high number in abusive HOAs.
I encourage you to read more on this subject so that you are fully informed, and do refrain from making a “diagnosis” as it takes a trained clinician to accurately do so, but here are some things to be aware of which may indicate a narcissist as presented by Dr. Ramani Durvasala in her book, It's Not You:
· egocentricity,
· delusional grandiosity,
· entitlement,
· overcompensating for insecurity,
· being thin-skinned,
· inability to self-regulate,
· need for dominance,
· lack of empathy,
· contempt for others,
· projection of shame, and
· being incredibly charming (Durvasula 7-14).
Durvasula also states: “Entitlement is a core pattern of narcissism, and one of the most problematic. Theories of narcissism suggest that entitlement may be the core pillar of this personality style and that all other dynamics tie back to it. Narcissistic people believe that they are special, must be given special treatment, can only be truly understood by other special people, and that the rules should not apply to them. If rules are applied to them or they are held accountable, narcissistic folks become quite angry and push back because those rules are for ordinary people! If they have to follow the rules, then they aren't so special. They feel entitled to doing and saying what they want, whenever they want. Their entitlement serves as a way for them to create a reality in which they can exert their specialness, and it drives their anger when they don't feel they are regarded as a VIP” (Durvasula 9, emphasis in original).
It is incredibly tempting just to present my list of quotes here since so many things tie directly to behavior patterns I have observed from the narcissist(s) in the association I have experience with and from the horror stories I have heard. I will, however, refrain, and expand just a bit more in my upcoming lecture: “‘But I AM Napoleon!’: The Psychology of AssHOAles and Their Victims.”
What I wish to arm you with here, friends, is that there are people who have no concept of what their behavior looks like to others and that it is abusive and socially unacceptable. Not only that, if you object and point out the rules or laws, they will ignore it because they fully believe that they know better, are doing what they do for the greater good, and you are the one who is the problem by not acknowledging them in their position. What they will do is minimize you and your concerns, their superiority automatically overriding any voice or legitimacy you have, simply because they are them, and they know better. They are even above the law because they can see right through it and/or because those people who created, write, and legislate the law don’t know as much as them, are corrupt, are self-serving, don’t deserve respect, etc., etc., etc. They put themselves above the law and the rules, unless those laws or rules support them, in which case, they will throw it in your face and, yet again, show you how wrong you are and that you’re crazy for going against it. And if you persist and prove them wrong, they will do whatever it takes to eradicate you—even to the point of making you homeless, which they have the power to do. Hence, some of the language we see from those who have to endure such personalities, referring to their group as a "regime," "communist bloc," or "fascist hell," or to the instigator as a "dictator," "modern Mussolini," or "little Hitlers," as per today's blog title. There is something very wrong if, no matter how applicable it may be or not, someone feels this way about their neighborhood and neighbors and can give evidence for the sentiment.
As Durvasula’s book title says, “It’s NOT you!” The mechanism of the abusive narcissist is to always remain dominant over you by using various responses which dismiss and devalue you and which make you think that the problem is you. For instance, in an HOA, they will make you believe that because everyone in the neighborhood bought into the development that they want to be there and you’re the only one who is unhappy, that those others are smarter than you are because they realize what an advantage it is to be in an HOA (particularly this one), that they know the HOA protects property values, that everyone else is smart enough to enjoy or at least appreciate the wonderful amenities, and that they know it’s a small price to pay for such good fortune as to be able to be part of this exclusive (note: the connection of “exclusive” to “exclude”) neighborhood, managed and protected by Yours Truly. Oh, you are so lucky. You’re nuts if you can’t see that. The thing is, they won’t tell you about the others who have questioned them. They won’t discuss or perhaps even acknowledge the validity of those who have challenged them, sued them, or pointed out the flaws and shortcomings.
Narcissists maintain power by minimizing you, making you think you are the problem, and also dividing you from others who might challenge them or somehow make you realize that you ARE in the right. The worst thing for a narcissist on an HOA board is for the neighbors to get together and start communicating. If you have seen my HOA Hell Bingo board, you’ll see that it’s common for abusive HOAs to attack those who post to social media to alert neighbors to bad behavior. AssHOAles make it their job to monitor such things and flag anyone who is speaking up or trying to organize the neighbors. They will also harass you, negate your posts to those who comment by using narcissist techniques of making them seem like a victim, by making you seem “crazy,” and/or by dismissing your claim to your rights with the fallacious argument that because you bought in the neighborhood, you knew or should know that you must be completely subject to them and their rule, which is not at all true in reality.
Here are some things you can keep in mind when dealing with a narcissist of any sort, but in this case, the assHOAle narcissist:
You are NOT the problem. You have the right to speak and be heard. Even if it turns out that your claim or argument is unsupportable, you have the right to speak up and have the issue examined to correct the wrongs or prove its validity with reason and evidence.
You DO have rights as an American citizen and as a homeowner. Unfortunately, the legal system is severely lacking in mechanisms to support homeowners against abusive HOAs, hence the need for reform, but you do still have those rights. Review your governing documents as there should be some clause which claims the documents are subordinate to state and federal law. Any action on the part of an HOA member (board or resident) that goes against those rights is a violation of them. For instance, the First Amendment which protects free speech or the Fourth Amendment which regards search and seizure. Again, you need a lawyer to hash out the details and make a case, unfortunately, but you still do have that ground to stand on.
HOAs are just that: home owners’ associations. Although they are corporations, they don’t own YOU. You are a member of that association. Even if you’re not on the board, as with any other corporation, if you are a member, you have a “share” in that corporation and have the right to demand accountability, honesty, legality, and a democratic operation of said board. I know, easier said than done.
Use the narcissists' traits against them. Keep in mind that you could be dealing with a Hoard of AssHOAles (haha, get it? HOA?) and the entire board is made up of these personalities, but keep in mind: the objective of a narcissist is to be the one in charge. They do not play well with others. They dominate. Imagine, then, a bunch of self-righteous, entitled narcissists in a group together. Would they see and respect those other dominant personalities as equals? Of course not. Those persons are just as foolish and stupid and not them as you are and must be dominated. This is where either sparks fly because there is more than one dysfunctional narcissist on the board, or the strongest or only narcissist. There will be others who are as unhappy as you are.
I have had a number of people contact me who are on boards and suffer the abuse just as much as any resident. We must be careful not to create a false dilemma in the us v. them binary thinking that is so common today. Just because someone is on your HOA board and it is abusive doesn’t mean that they are part of the abuse. They could be eating as much garbage from the assHOAle as you are. They’re certainly subject to that person’s power being in the same neighborhood, so they may fear retaliation and abuse just as much as you do. Narcissists, as noted above, can be incredibly charming and convincing when it serves them. There are those, on the board or in the neighborhood, who eat up their BS with a big spoon. As the Eurythmics song “Sweet Dreams” states: “some of them want to abuse you, / some of them want to be abused.” Some people have been so completely fooled and manipulated that they will actually think the narcissist deserves the adulation they demand, that they really are the most intelligent person ever, that they really are a unicorn offering their blessings to this oh-so-lucky neighborhood. Whether or not reason and evidence which proves the contrary affects them or not is left to be determined. The key is to find those who do see through it, who are sick of the abuse, who also suffer under the toxic conditions of the narcissist, and band together. Again, the narcissist will try to separate you because they know that is their Achilles’ Heel. It is possible to remove a board member. You just need to see through their manipulation, call them out on it, and again, stand up to say, “This is not acceptable.”
I know, easier said than done, but it is a start. I do encourage you to read more on this topic as it is fascinating in general, but it also gives you an awareness and a way to speak intelligently when you try to identify the wrongs and abuse you are suffering. You can see when you are being gaslighted and manipulated and call it what it is to disarm it. And be ready—they will accuse you of the very things you are calling them out on, then play the part of the poor victim. The key is, you must take on a little of the narcissist yourself and be completely rigid, have no empathy, and demand that, for once, that It IS about you, and you have every right to claim that.
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(Any errors and omissions here are unintended. Corrections are always welcome!)
Bibliography
Brown, Nina W. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-ups Guide to Getting over
Narcissistic Parents. Third Edition. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2020.
Durvasula, Ramani. It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. Penguin
Random House, 2024.
James, Aaron. Assholes: A Theory. New York, Anchor Books, 2012.
Kreisberg, Stephanie M. Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Oakland, CA: New
Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2022.
Sutton, Robert I. The Asshole Survival Guide. New York, Houghton Mifflin, Harcourt, 2017.
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